Age: 65
Relationship Status: Married
What is the most important part of your daily routine?
Having my morning coffee and my bagel. Every...single...day.
What is your current happiness most dependent on?
At the moment, it is dependent on whether my husband is healthy. He’s got a very rare disease; it’s not curable and it is terminal. My happiness is dependent on when he’s doing what he loves and our lives seem normal.
I know my happiness should not be reliant on someone else, but my whole life has been about loving and serving others. It’s very hard to just sit with myself and feel happy.
What do you wish you were less reliant on?
I wish I wasn’t as reliant on my husband. That sounds awful, but I’ve come to realize that I need to be able to do everything myself. We’ve always been a team and it’s been a wonderful arrangement. I took care of all the day-to-day stuff, he took care of the finances. I know it was a privilege to do that, but in the meantime, I lost some of my independence. I also have started to realize I need to know how to do all the “manly” jobs around the property. It’s probably a generational thing, but it’s very important for women to be able to fix things, and to learn how household and car things work.
When do you question yourself?
I question myself on whether or not I’ve been a good mom. All I ever wanted was to be one. Due to past trauma, I didn’t even know I needed to heal until recently. I could have handled situations much better. I grew up in a chaotic household, so I didn’t learn to self-regulate very well.
What is something that has positively impacted how you perceive your self-worth?
The thing that most positively impacted how I perceive my self-worth was when I went back to university at 51 and became a professional genealogist. It was my hobby for 30 years. I discovered previous unknown information that has now been documented in books and I’ve been published. I am on a national board that asked me to join. Having people worldwide want to hire me to find answers for them really made me realize I had a gift that a lot of others didn’t.
What is something you have forgiven yourself for?
Oh, that’s a tough one. I had to forgive myself for being so judgmental towards my father who was an alcoholic. He never got sober and I know he tried. I thought he never tried hard enough. That breaks my heart. I now know, personally, and from other family members, that addictions are never about not trying hard enough. I just wish I could have shown him more grace instead of anger. But you don’t know what you don’t know and then you have to forgive yourself for not knowing.
What is something you have forgiven someone else for?
Lots! I’m a big forgiver. I think it’s because I see that we are all flawed and we make mistakes - I am the last person to throw stones. I forgave my father. HIS father was an alcoholic so it was generational trauma. None of these things were talked about when I was young.
How do you ground/center yourself?
I take long walks. I’m lucky to live in one of the most beautiful places. I get grounded when I’m walking because it takes me out of my own head. I just listen...to my steps, to the birds, and to the wind. I also just stare at what I see as I’m walking, especially trees. They are so fascinating to me. I also take a lot of baths which is my happy place. That’s where I think a lot.
What is one thing that helped you through your most difficult time?
I’ve had so many tough times in my life. Each one presented, what I thought at the time, to be the most difficult time. On the other side of it, I saw that it was survivable. I look for the “glimmers”, glimmers of hope, of joy, and of beauty. Even on my worst day, there was a tiny glimmer of something good, even just a smile from someone, or seeing the blue sky.
Have you ever felt like the best version of yourself? When?
Yes. Twice. When I was about 37-45. Blissful time in my life. I felt at peace. And surprisingly, now. You do get wiser with age. It’s not the happiest time, but I’m a better version of myself than I was even 20 years ago. You keep learning. Life teaches you to be a better version or you become the worst version of yourself. Pick one.
What is something you fundamentally disagree with?
I fundamentally disagree with the idea that you need to have children to be complete. That’s sounds so contradictory, coming from what I just shared, but that was how I was raised. I felt incomplete until I had children. Wrong! It was what I NEEDED, to be sure, but a family can be you and your cat, you and your partner, you and friends you love and share a life with, you doing your own thing.
I know I was meant to be a mom, in my heart. I went to the ends of the world to make that happen (literally), but, if in my heart, if I didn’t want children, I would never want the world to tell me I wasn’t complete. That’s ridiculous.
What is something you know for sure?
I know, for sure, there is a higher power. I’ve heard its voice in my ear. I’ve seen it work in my life countless times. I know it. Call it whatever you want. It’s real.
What are three of your non-negotiables in romantic relationships?
Not being treated in with any abuse.
Someone not wanting to be part of my family.
Someone who isn’t willing to try new things. Someone very set in their ways.
When do you feel most comfortable in your own skin?
When I’m with babies, toddlers and doing genealogical work. I love all 3.
Have you ever been in awe of something/someone? When?
Yes, my husband. He’s facing his mortality and he’s so incredibly brave. He never complains. He never loses hope. He’s always looking for the best solution for his health even though, ultimately, he knows it won’t save him. He still tries. He was always health conscious which has helped him in this, but it’s his unwavering stoicism. He’s a, “rockstar and a legend,” as my son says.
What is the best (physical/material) gift you have ever received?
The best physical gift I’ve ever received was my husband. He was/is the love of my life and that’s incredibly lucky. Some never get to have it. I’ve had it for 45 years now and it’s been my biggest blessing.
The best material gift I ever received was my iPad! I’ve used it every single day since I got it and it’s a mini TV for me. I have vision issues and it’s easier to watch movies on it. Getting old sucks!
What is one thing you wish you had said ‘yes’ to in the past?
I have said yes to everything I’ve ever wanted to say yes to.
What is one thing you will always say ‘no’ to in the future?
No to drama. I have no time for that shit. If someone wants to be out of my life, or create drama, they can leave.
What do you believe is your most attractive quality?
My patience and my empathy.
What/who do you want to be when you grow up?
I’m all grown up. I still have things to learn and places to go, but I am who I am...for now (lol).
BONUS: Tell me something good.
If you are young enough and read this, take the time to know your self-worth. It will get you farther in life and bring the right people in your life. When you have a good sense of who you are and what you bring to the table, you can pick and choose the course of your life better. Less hard lessons in regards to relationships and jobs etc. But don’t ever be arrogant about it.
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