#310. showing up, white knuckling it & walking away

Age: 27

Relationship Status: Single (and looking, but not that hard)

Occupation: University Fundraising

Income: $86K

Astrological Sign: Sagittarius

How are you, really?

Whew, that's a loaded question. I think I am as okay as I can be. I’ve had the most

transformational period of my life in the last year: I experienced grief, unworthiness, and indifference, cried 98% of days, and just felt overall really stuck in my life. Recently, I realized that all of these can exist at the same time as we move forward. Just because I’m still grieving or hurt doesn’t mean I can’t also show up to the best of my

ability each day. So today, I’m acknowledging I’m never going to feel 100% okay in all of my days, but that however I’m feeling is always acceptable; it doesn’t have to be a certain way.

What is the greatest change you’ve made this year?

As per the above question: so much.

Since January, I started running and went back to church (alone!). Within the last calendar year, I went through a breakup with the first person I’ve ever really loved, started prioritizing feeling my feelings for the first time in my life, started therapy, set familial boundaries, and worked out a shit ton.

What is something you hope never changes?

My trust that everything is working out in my favor. I’m not someone who believes everything happens for a reason; there are too many bad things in this world to believe that. But I do wholeheartedly believe that everything is working out for my good or to work something out in me. I have to trust in that, or I’ll lose my mind.

When do you feel most capable?

Right now, after a run. I’ve hated running my entire life, but the progress I’ve made in just a month is mind-blowing to me. My body is so capable, and this may be the proudest of it I’ve ever been.

How do you nurture yourself?

Therapy, my faith, going to the ocean, working out, buying coffee/sweet treats, calling my friends, and driving with the windows down while blaring my music. I think in all of those, the key is sitting with myself. Being alone and not doing something at all times used to make me so anxious — then I realized I have to sit with myself because I’m the only person who will be here with me for the entirety of my life.

How do you nurture others?

Showing up. I’m bad (or think I am) at providing encouraging words but damn it, will I always be there for my people at every event, milestone, or hard day. I hope the people in my life (and even some who are no longer in my life) know that I will always pick up the phone to listen to them if they need me.

Is there anything you wish you had said but didn’t?

Unfortunately, yes. I wish I would’ve told my ex how I truly felt. Not in a “get him back” way, but just so everything was laid out on the table to move forward. I was so guarded during the relationship and then struggled with so many “what ifs” for a long time because I don’t think I ever fully expressed what he meant to me.

What is something that turns you on?

Showing up for me, remembering minute details, providing a safe space/protection, emotional intelligence, or seeing how giddy a guy gets when he’s yapping about something he’s super passionate about (ambition, I guess). Oh, and strong, veiny forearms.

What is something that turns you off?

Bad hygiene, being rude to strangers/service staff, talking about women in a derogatory/hyper-sexualized way.

When was the last time you walked away from something that no longer served you?

I’m not sure. It takes me a long time to truly let things go. I don’t think I’ve ever truly just “walked away.” I white knuckle things. I need to be pulled and yanked away continually until one day, I just don’t have the strength to hold on anymore.

How often do you feel you achieve balance?

Hahaha. This is a weekly topic for me in therapy. Hardly ever. My brain reads

everything in all or nothing, black/white extremes…there’s no grey or middle ground.

What is one risk you took that resulted in reward?

I’m not a risky person. I guess my last relationship. Even though it ended, I was vehemently swearing off dating when I met him, but something told me to keep getting to know him anyway. Now, the good memories and love shared will always be a reward in my mind. I’ve never learned so much about myself as I've during and after that time.

When do you feel most overwhelmed?

When I’m trying to figure out the future. My struggle to let go also bleeds into the lack of control over how my life is going to look tomorrow, next month, next year, in 25 years, etc. I get too in my head about what’s next, trying to prepare and protect myself from whatever could be coming.

How do you move forward?

By fighting it until I have to. We’re working on this. I guess by also recognizing that moving forward will always look different for every person and situation, it’s not one-size-fits-all. Just because I waiver, doesn’t mean I’m not still moving forward.

What is something that will always make you laugh?

Seeing how weird my baby niece can be.

What is something that will always make you cry?

Missing someone. Frustration and overwhelm. When people tell me all the good things they believe about me — I love to receive words of affirmation. Most of the time, I don’t even believe those things about myself, so when others tell me, it breaks me to my core and reminds me that I’m doing my best.

Have you ever been betrayed?

I’m so thankful and grateful that I don’t think I’ve ever experienced true betrayal. Hurt, yes. But not outright betrayal. That would break me.

What is your greatest temptation?

Distracting/numbing myself with my phone. I have given up all social media twice within the last year, and the peace it brings my brain is wonderful. I always fall back in, though.

What is one thing you feel is missing from your current life?

I hate to admit this, because I’ve always wanted to be strong & independent, but I really crave a relationship. I miss having my go-to, best friend, partner, little piece of home to run to, laugh with, cry to, and do all the exciting or mundane things with. I’m trying not to pressure myself into what’s coming next, but I do hope I’ll get to experience that all again.

What is one thing you can’t get enough of?

Good food. Whether it’s healthy and nourishing my body after a workout, or greasy takeout when I’m feeling down, some of my best memories have been over a dinner table.

BONUS: Tell me something good.

I got rough news last week that made me feel really hopeless. But I’m still here today and trying my best to trust the path in front of me! And I have a first date this week that I’m actually excited for – just a little while ago, it was hard to believe I’d ever be excited to move on.