Age: 20
Relationship Status: Single
Occupation: Student/Barista/Performer
Income: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Astrological Sign: Gemini sun, Libra moon, Aquarius rising
What is the first thing you do when you wake up?
God, this is so embarrassing, but it is to look at my phone- just to make sure that no one died or that the world didn’t end while I was asleep. Then, I say the 3rd step prayer. I have every single day for the 3.5 years I’ve been sober.
Have you ever felt genuine fulfillment? When?
Yes! It comes and goes, but I feel it most when I’m performing/singing. That bone-deep exhaustion during tech or rehearsals accompanied with getting it (working through your own shit and performing wholly and freely) and seeing other performers around you getting it is borderline orgasmic when combined.
What is your most repetitive, negative thought?
That I’m too much to deal with or too intense to be worthy of love. I’m a loud-mouthed, high-energy, confrontational, passionate person and sometimes people vibe with that and sometimes they definitely do not. Those thoughts tend to be a low hum most days thanks to IFS and DBT therapy.
What is your most repetitive, positive thought?
Absolutely delusional self-affirmations about my physical appearance- that I’m hot as fuck and that I’m worthy of having high standards because I’m a sex magnet!!!! I’ve spent 95% of my life hating my body and living with people who hate theirs, too, so I have to take it up to an 11.
What is one thing that surprised you about adulthood?
Brokers fees and carpenter ant infestations. I guess that’s two things, sorry.
What are three things you want to put every woman onto?
Spending at least an hour a day naked! Just exist with your physical body. I did this a lot post-ED recovery, and now I hate wearing clothes.
Starting every day with a really disgusting, vegetable-dominant smoothie. Chug it, and you’ll unfortunately feel better for the rest of the day.
Interview With The Vampire on AMC+. The most transcendent (and attractive) cast/crew working in TV right now. I’m also from NOLA and moved for college, so it’s very soothing to see their love for New Orleans in the writing.
Rank the following from most to least important:
money, food, sex, love, and laughter (feel free to explain or don’t).
Laughter
Love
Sex
Money
Food (this isn’t loaded, I promise; I’m just poor and hate cooking)
How has your relationship with your parents/ guardians changed in adulthood?
Boundaries that I tried my best to assert when I was still living in their house and first getting sober in high school have now become firmer and more self-assured. I live a very boring, gentle life, 100% by choice. The chaos and the emotional labor I’d have to endure if I engaged with that behavior play absolutely no part in that life.
When do you feel most like yourself?
When I’m at a 12-step meeting with other queer people. I’ve never been known as deeply and as immediately. Chosen families are the best :)
What is the best compliment someone has ever given you?
Eek! Compliments usually make me very uncomfortable, but I had a professor during my freshman year of college who really pushed me to lean into solo performance rather than ensemble performance. He told me that I needed to do something with my voice because it would be a shame if the world didn’t hear it. That really gave me the kick in the ass I needed at the time.
How do you feel about falling in love?
I’ve never been in love in a way that isn’t sick and addiction-like. But I will! Everything in due time. I have a whole lot of work to do on my own in the meantime.
What is one thing you’re sick of hearing?
“This [insert dessert here] is so naughty! We’re being so bad for ordering fries! I really ate like a pig today! I’m being so good by ordering this salad!” GROW UP!!!!! Please do not force me to be a voyeur in your self-hatred!!!!
How often do you feel alone?
It comes in waves. I had to leave home for eldest-daughter, self-preservation reasons, but the guilt about leaving is sometimes so overwhelming I can’t function. Time isn’t a renewable resource. My loved ones are only ever getting older. I love the South but the South doesn’t love me back. That can feel exceptionally isolating. I had to leave because my experience at home isn’t sustainable right now. Gratitude and ugly crying both help.
What is one thing you hope everyone experiences in their lifetime?
Dealing with really intense workplace embarrassment. I’m someone who has to learn through a series of failures and mistakes because I’m very stubborn. But then your fear of looking stupid won’t hold you back anymore.
What is one thing you hope no one has to experience in their lifetime?
Having a loved one die of a drug overdose. I don’t wish that on my worst enemy. Carry Narcan on your person 24/7, y’all!
What is the best decision you’ve ever made?
To finally lick my wounds and go to rehab during the pandemic.
When do you feel most at ease?
In a hot bath with a waterproof vibrator and Sade playing in the background.
What does having a successful life mean to you?
I have no idea. My self-image and future plans change all the time! I’m young and have a second chance at life since getting sober, so I’m just kind of trying to do things that make me feel good and also maybe try to help other people in my orbit while I’m at it. The people who I think are “successful” are people who know themselves so deeply and wonderfully that you can’t help but feel good about yourself around them. I want to be like them when I grow up.
How often do you think about your body?
I think about it a lot. Body neutrality is really important to me, but that repetitive bad bitch mantra I mentioned earlier is a necessity. I’m also insane and had a bunch of my own nudes printed out, so occasionally, I’ll look over at my bedroom wall and see my boobies on a glossy 8x10, which is always fun. I’d fuck my clone if I could. It’s very sexy to be your own type.
When do you ask for help?
ALL. THE. TIME! I am a self-proclaimed personality hire and a recovering junkie. My honesty about how I’m doing is what has kept me alive!
What is something you feel strongly about?
Proclaiming your self-hatred does not make you as funny or interesting as you might think. You are not a tortured artist; you are just irritating to be around. I had to learn this the hard way.
BONUS: Tell me something good.
Katie Ledecky just set the record for the most Olympic medals won by a female swimmer!
Comments